she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
