i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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