I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize