I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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