The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
