Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
