I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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