dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
