benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize