The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
