So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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