If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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