I accidentally had phone sex last night
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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