i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
