that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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