please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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