and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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