i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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