so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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