I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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