Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
