im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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