I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
