Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
