You smell like a Billy Joel song
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
