"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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