Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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