No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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