Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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