you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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