I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize