Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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