No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
