He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
