apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize