FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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