I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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