In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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