When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
