it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i already hear my dad disowning me
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
NoShamevember. You game?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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