I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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