I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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