yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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