I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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