I want to walk on stilts...naked
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
