The best revenge is premature balding
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
