I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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