Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
