I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
