Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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