I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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