Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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