i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The air taste purple.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
