how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
