I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
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