My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
