Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize