turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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